sing the song

I hear an old song
It isn't a sad song
But, hearing it is just painful
Reminding me of old people
Letting go and being let go
Sometimes, there were times
before I realized some things have broken apart
Good and bad times
seem to be don't have much of difference
Everything goes in black and white
Like a old forgotten movie that going forward and backward
pressing the buttons thinking
"Should I just turn it off?"


歌を歌う。
いつか、この傷が癒えるんだろうが？
いつか、あの日の思いを忘れるかな？
それとも、この記憶を受け入れるか？

On the Other Side of the Mask

私はこんなに弱いな人、気付かなかった。毎日、同じ道で歩く、同じ空を見る、目の前に、突然に世界の回る変わった。何も出来ない。まるで、私の姿が見えなくなったほか人の目から。くるし、けど涙があふられない。何も決まって出来ない。どう知ればいいだろうか？生きてるでも、意味がない、じゃないですか？

Letters to....

I tried to calm myself while hoping that life would get better, that being deceived wasn't the only way to grow up.
When I started to pray five times a day (for I am a Moslem), every truth, every lie comes to the surface, it's not that I said because I pray that my life gets harder. God just tests me why I came back to His way. Just to see whether I have enough determination not to get lost in the middle of Katrina and still holding on to the Creator.

I've so many things to say and will say it. Maybe, these letters won't ever be delivered. Maybe, it'll stay here until the world crashing down; being unread without being marked without being noticed.
Letter to Mother. You're not a good mother, neither I am a good daughter.
Letter to Brother. You're not a good brother, neither I am a good sister.
Letter to Angah. You're not a good uncle, neither I am a good niece.
Letter to Ibu. You're not a good auntie, neither I am a good niece
Letter to Andrew. You're not a good friend, neither I was.
and Letter to Me.

Pretty Honest Mistakes

I realize that I'm not sincere in helping people. The happy faces that I've been seeing each time I help them with all my might, each time I have sacrifice important things just to see these kind of faces, by the end of that each time I'd asked: when the hard time comes after me, who would be the one to comfort me? Who is the person who would never say 'no' and just let me cry my heart's content? Who would be the one to say pretty words? Will there be a person that would never denied the promises and say 'I'm here'?

Trust me when I say this: when nobody wants to hear you out; there would be somebody who is just there for you to believe in, somebody that would sit beside you and take you in. For those who's been living a solitary life, they might be saying 'there's nobody'. And when I asked 'Mother?', 'Brother?', 'Lover?', 'Best friend?'

They'd be in silent  mode and I would mumble: あ~, そんな 人 あるだった.
It's really nobody. Not even my mother or brother knows how painful the life they've given me. But they just won't understand? They don't know what I need, what I want, what I like. It's just that they don't care since the beginning of my life. And now what they care is how I am going to boost their pride and be useful.

I know I'm being ungrateful, but the pain is just so much worse. No matter what I say, I should be responsible for my life because at this state there is no reason to cry and passing the blame to those who should be. I can't confess. I can't tell what exactly is happening. At times, I thought it's just my illusion, I wished, but it isn't.

Everybody has forgotten their mistakes and thought I'm the one who  is at fault.
Everybody has forgotten their promises and thought I'm the liar. I'm the beggar. I'm the sinner.
And I don't know since when I started regretting not to be able to tell the same lies as they did, I regret of being honest, I regret being strong in six years back. I wonder if I should  ask for forgiveness when the mistakes aren't even mine.

Listening to Gajima Gajima by Brown Eyes

My Anger

Kalo ga mau masalah: KE LAUT AJA SANA!!!

Trusting someone is like gambling. Take it or leave it. Either way, you'll be the one to be hurt anyway.

this is the reason, why I need to carry on

People always say that time flies too fast. In this dynamic world that we're living, everything continues to roll on. Even when I said our time has stopped for six years long, world doesn't stop, not a chance, not a second. Those things that I wanted to reach, seems to be unreachable. For years that I wanted to be normal, I don't seem to be satisfied by it now. And I, finally, don't seem to understand what's the worth living for.

Twenty. That's my number. I thought it was okay for not doing something in this twenty. But soon, I was stabbed when I realized that there are so many people with this number, yet they are different. They are making a change. They are steady in any way. While I'm stuck in the past and stick with the lies. And I, finally, don't seem to understand for what sake I was coming for.

Running away. That's what I've been doing. I wish I could be any braver that what I was, not just sitting and passing the blame to others, just like the relay in a frame. I was going around the globe telling everybody is liar. I was running around the world screaming I've had it harder than anyone. And I, finally, don't seem to understand what I was talking about.

I look like a loser. For the first time, I finally don't seem to understand why I couldn't have the strength to carry on.

Settling Down

Right at this moment, I don't wanna know what they're thinking. They like me or they don't; it's their matter, because I have determined myself; I would not chase after anyone. Therefore, I'll take everything (means EVERYTHING) as a joke.

Honey, I don't have time for things like this. If you wanna go or come close to me, it's all up to you. But, I'd never play up myself just for you. Oyasumi.

Aruki Tsuzukero ^_^